The Most Convoluted Organ-Donation PSA You’ll See All Year

Last night I was gifted with an opportunity to attend an advance screening of “Terminator Salvation.” I went. Now I’m going to share my thoughts on the film. That’s what blogs are for.

WARNING: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!!! Sort of… maybe… meh

First of all, the movie didn’t suck. It’s not my new favourite movie (that, of course, is Star Trek) but “Terminator Salvation” is pretty good. It’s entertaining, it has some degree of plot and story, it is big and flashy and percussively loud.
Which brings me to some generic whining complaints…
There is awesomely loud and then there is too f***in’ loud. No, it doesn’t add to the whole “movie-going experience” when you can feel the ground shake with every step of the giant robot. It is really distracting when my hair actually blows back with the force of the sound. Not needed.
Can we please, please, please, ban all future use of the Shaky-Cam as an expression of cutting edge cinematography? Hollywood should have learned its lesson when people walked out during “Cloverfield” because they had to vomit because of the vertigo-inducing camera work. The Shaky-Cam work in “Terminator Salvation” isn’t nearly that bad, but it is still distracting and detracting. The main effect of Shaky-Cam is to make you think that something really cool is happening, but you just can’t see it. You know it’s really cool because it is insanely loud and making your lungs hurt.
To me, that just says that the film maker couldn’t be bothered working on an actual visual effect that would impress me. Either that, or he still thinks he’s making music videos for MTV.

OK, whining complaints are over. Time for the Terminator Salvation Awards!!! We like to call them Termies because, well, because we can.

Best Theatre Lobby Promotion – The remaining members of the Barenaked Ladies, standing amidst cardboard stand-ups for various other film, singing a re-lyric’d version of “Yoko Ono.”
You can be my Sarah Connor (Oooh oh ooooh)
I will hunt you down wherever you go
Be my (be my) be my (be my)
Be my Sarah Connor (Whoooa whoa)

Best Off-The-Cuff Funny Comment By My Friend Bill – When Sam Worthington kissed Helena Bonham Carter and then said, “So that’s what death tastes like,” Bill muttered, “That’s what Tim Burton said, too.”

Best Name Ever – Actress Moon Bloodgood. She plays a character with a name so ordinary that I can’t even remember what it was, because her real-life name is Moon Bloodgood. Damn, what an awesome name.
And she’s hot, too.

Best Steve McQueen Tribute So Far This Century – Sam Worthington on a motorcycle escaping from the resistance base.

Best In-Context Allusion To Previous Terminator Movies – It’s a three-way tie between “I’ll be back,” “Come with me if you want to live,” and Guns’N’Roses.

Best Non-Speaking CGI Cameo By A Naked Former Body Builder Who Now Holds Public Office – Aw, that would be telling.

Best Unlikely Convergence Of Various Elements To Work In The Good Guy’s Favour – The tow truck / terminator-cycle / bolo / slingshot thing. On a bridge, because such things are even cooler on a bridge. Watch for it.

Best Visual Pre-Empting Of Another Summer Blockbuster Sequel – Auto-Bot Terminator, with built-in autonomous filler motorcycles.

Best Failure To Provide Real Closure To A Story That Has Gone On For Too Many Years Already – Yep, they left it open to yet another damned sequel.

There you have them… The 2009 Termie Awards, at least one of which I just made up.
However, in an overly complicated homage to the time travel aspect of the Terminator franchise, the first joke in this blog post will be the last one you get. When you see the film this weekend, within the first few minutes of the movie you will think you’ve finally got it. You’ll be wrong. It won’t be until within moments of the end that the hilariously clever meaning of this post’s title will be apparent. You may even laugh. It’ll be a hollow, ironic laugh, but it will be enough to alert the people around you that you have been privy to the kind of joke that only comes along once every few decades.