Last night I was gifted with an opportunity to attend an advance screening of “Terminator Salvation.” I went. Now I’m going to share my thoughts on the film. That’s what blogs are for.
WARNING: HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!!! Sort of… maybe… meh
First of all, the movie didn’t suck. It’s not my new favourite movie (that, of course, is Star Trek) but “Terminator Salvation” is pretty good. It’s entertaining, it has some degree of plot and story, it is big and flashy and percussively loud.
Which brings me to some generic whining complaints…
There is awesomely loud and then there is too f***in’ loud. No, it doesn’t add to the whole “movie-going experience” when you can feel the ground shake with every step of the giant robot. It is really distracting when my hair actually blows back with the force of the sound. Not needed.
Can we please, please, please, ban all future use of the Shaky-Cam as an expression of cutting edge cinematography? Hollywood should have learned its lesson when people walked out during “Cloverfield” because they had to vomit because of the vertigo-inducing camera work. The Shaky-Cam work in “Terminator Salvation” isn’t nearly that bad, but it is still distracting and detracting. The main effect of Shaky-Cam is to make you think that something really cool is happening, but you just can’t see it. You know it’s really cool because it is insanely loud and making your lungs hurt.
To me, that just says that the film maker couldn’t be bothered working on an actual visual effect that would impress me. Either that, or he still thinks he’s making music videos for MTV.
OK, whining complaints are over. Time for the Terminator Salvation Awards!!! We like to call them Termies because, well, because we can.
Best Theatre Lobby Promotion – The remaining members of the Barenaked Ladies, standing amidst cardboard stand-ups for various other film, singing a re-lyric’d version of “Yoko Ono.”
You can be my Sarah Connor (Oooh oh ooooh)
I will hunt you down wherever you go
Be my (be my) be my (be my)
Be my Sarah Connor (Whoooa whoa)
Best Off-The-Cuff Funny Comment By My Friend Bill – When Sam Worthington kissed Helena Bonham Carter and then said, “So that’s what death tastes like,” Bill muttered, “That’s what Tim Burton said, too.”
Best Name Ever – Actress Moon Bloodgood. She plays a character with a name so ordinary that I can’t even remember what it was, because her real-life name is Moon Bloodgood. Damn, what an awesome name.
And she’s hot, too.
Best Steve McQueen Tribute So Far This Century – Sam Worthington on a motorcycle escaping from the resistance base.
Best In-Context Allusion To Previous Terminator Movies – It’s a three-way tie between “I’ll be back,” “Come with me if you want to live,” and Guns’N’Roses.
Best Non-Speaking CGI Cameo By A Naked Former Body Builder Who Now Holds Public Office – Aw, that would be telling.
Best Unlikely Convergence Of Various Elements To Work In The Good Guy’s Favour – The tow truck / terminator-cycle / bolo / slingshot thing. On a bridge, because such things are even cooler on a bridge. Watch for it.
Best Visual Pre-Empting Of Another Summer Blockbuster Sequel – Auto-Bot Terminator, with built-in autonomous filler motorcycles.
Best Failure To Provide Real Closure To A Story That Has Gone On For Too Many Years Already – Yep, they left it open to yet another damned sequel.
There you have them… The 2009 Termie Awards, at least one of which I just made up.
However, in an overly complicated homage to the time travel aspect of the Terminator franchise, the first joke in this blog post will be the last one you get. When you see the film this weekend, within the first few minutes of the movie you will think you’ve finally got it. You’ll be wrong. It won’t be until within moments of the end that the hilariously clever meaning of this post’s title will be apparent. You may even laugh. It’ll be a hollow, ironic laugh, but it will be enough to alert the people around you that you have been privy to the kind of joke that only comes along once every few decades.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Top 10 Things Not In The New "Star Trek" Movie
Sometimes, an important part of what makes a movie great is what isn't in the film. "Star Trek" is no exception. There are many things that could have in the movie but weren't... and I am thankful for that.
10. Techno-doublespeak neo-sciencey bullshit talk. When technical terminolgy was actually required, it made sense in context and wasn't just a random string of complicated-sounding syllables.
9. Whoopi Goldberg. Her empathic bartender character from TNG is apparently immortal or, at least, very long-lived, having been in San Francisco in the 1870's. Some meddling executive could have thought it would be really cute to have some stunt casting with her character working the bar where Kirk starts a fight. Fortunately, that executive, if he ever existed, was taken out and shot for suggesting such a stupid idea and we didn't have to suffer through it.
8. An after-credits bonus scene where Samuel L. Jackson shows up, snubs Kirk and Spock, and offers Sulu a job with S.H.I.E.L.D. based solely on his fencing skills. C'mon, it could happen.
7. Klingons for the sake of having Klingons. The plot and storyline got along quite nicely, thank you, without Klingons. Their existence was acknowledged but their on-screen presence would not have helped at all and so they were never seen.
6. Cheese.
5. An explanation of why everyone was wearing Aquaman shirts. It was more apparent with the mustard-coloured uniform shirts, but there was a tiny scale-like pattern showing. Nobody questioned it, much like Batman's rubber nipples back in the Tim Burton era. It simply was. I assumed it is in deference to the water-breathing aliens from the planet Atlanticus, who will play a major part in the next movie. Or not.
4. Denial of the curse of the red shirts. When Kirk, Sulu and Olson are assigned a stealth, high-risk, Navy Space-Seals-style, seek-and-destroy mission, there was no doubt what colour Olson would be wearing. In fact, the curse was kicked up a notch. Instead of shirst, the three of them were wearing high-tech, mission-specific, paratrooper combat suits. Kirk in blue, Sulu in white and Olson in, you guessed it, red from head to toe. Olson's inevitable demise was, in fact, his own damned fault and his stupidity put the mission at risk, showing that the Red Shirt Curse isn't simply a cannon-fodder attitude among the higher ranks in Starfleet.
3. Jar-Jar Binks. Lucasfilm and ILM handled some of the special effects on this film and the orchestral music playing under the closing credits sounded disturbingly similar to the Imperial March. Scotty's little Oompa Loompa sidekick could easily have been portrayed mainly for the cute, kid-oriented factor like Jar-Jar, but he wasn't. Thank Tribbles for that.
2. Tribbles. Once again, this film was not the proper forum for cute. There will be plenty of time for cute later, five or six films from now when the whole franchise is getting old and tired again, but not now, not yet.
1. The Prime Directive. Yes, I'm sure it still exists; it's an established tenet of Starfleet philosophy. That doesn't mean that it has to be dragged out and bandied about, slapping people over the head with the xeno-moralistic superiority of it. It had nothing to do with the story and so it was left out. This film is a chance to bring in a new audience, to grow a new fan-base, without over-burdening them with 40+ years of backstory baggage. Give 'em the basics to follow the story and focus on making it a hell of a good story.
10. Techno-doublespeak neo-sciencey bullshit talk. When technical terminolgy was actually required, it made sense in context and wasn't just a random string of complicated-sounding syllables.
9. Whoopi Goldberg. Her empathic bartender character from TNG is apparently immortal or, at least, very long-lived, having been in San Francisco in the 1870's. Some meddling executive could have thought it would be really cute to have some stunt casting with her character working the bar where Kirk starts a fight. Fortunately, that executive, if he ever existed, was taken out and shot for suggesting such a stupid idea and we didn't have to suffer through it.
8. An after-credits bonus scene where Samuel L. Jackson shows up, snubs Kirk and Spock, and offers Sulu a job with S.H.I.E.L.D. based solely on his fencing skills. C'mon, it could happen.
7. Klingons for the sake of having Klingons. The plot and storyline got along quite nicely, thank you, without Klingons. Their existence was acknowledged but their on-screen presence would not have helped at all and so they were never seen.
6. Cheese.
5. An explanation of why everyone was wearing Aquaman shirts. It was more apparent with the mustard-coloured uniform shirts, but there was a tiny scale-like pattern showing. Nobody questioned it, much like Batman's rubber nipples back in the Tim Burton era. It simply was. I assumed it is in deference to the water-breathing aliens from the planet Atlanticus, who will play a major part in the next movie. Or not.
4. Denial of the curse of the red shirts. When Kirk, Sulu and Olson are assigned a stealth, high-risk, Navy Space-Seals-style, seek-and-destroy mission, there was no doubt what colour Olson would be wearing. In fact, the curse was kicked up a notch. Instead of shirst, the three of them were wearing high-tech, mission-specific, paratrooper combat suits. Kirk in blue, Sulu in white and Olson in, you guessed it, red from head to toe. Olson's inevitable demise was, in fact, his own damned fault and his stupidity put the mission at risk, showing that the Red Shirt Curse isn't simply a cannon-fodder attitude among the higher ranks in Starfleet.
3. Jar-Jar Binks. Lucasfilm and ILM handled some of the special effects on this film and the orchestral music playing under the closing credits sounded disturbingly similar to the Imperial March. Scotty's little Oompa Loompa sidekick could easily have been portrayed mainly for the cute, kid-oriented factor like Jar-Jar, but he wasn't. Thank Tribbles for that.
2. Tribbles. Once again, this film was not the proper forum for cute. There will be plenty of time for cute later, five or six films from now when the whole franchise is getting old and tired again, but not now, not yet.
1. The Prime Directive. Yes, I'm sure it still exists; it's an established tenet of Starfleet philosophy. That doesn't mean that it has to be dragged out and bandied about, slapping people over the head with the xeno-moralistic superiority of it. It had nothing to do with the story and so it was left out. This film is a chance to bring in a new audience, to grow a new fan-base, without over-burdening them with 40+ years of backstory baggage. Give 'em the basics to follow the story and focus on making it a hell of a good story.
Top 10 Lines In The New "Star Trek" Movie
This list is based mainly on the actor's delivery of the individual line, although some lines are just cool on their own. All of this comes down to a matter of opinion, specifically, my opinion which is currently more valid than yours by virtue of the fact that I'm the one typing this right now.
10. "I am not our father." - Spock Prime to Spock.
9. "Wictor Wictor." - 17 year-old Ensign Chekov's verbal security code no being accepted by the computer.
8. "I may throw up on you." - McCoy to Kirk, then later, Kirk to McCoy.
7. "You're from the future? Do they have sandwiches there?" - Scotty to Spock Prime.
6. "I have no comment on the matter." - Spock to Kirk in response to a question about Uhura.
5. "Is there a problem, Officer?" - 10 year-old Kirk to a motorcycle cop after dumping a vintage 20th century car over a cliff after a high speed chase.
4. "Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero." - Nero to Pike.
3. "You can whistle really loud." - Kirk to Pike after Pike stops a bar brawl between Kirk and four Starfleet cadets by simply whistling.
2. "The ex-wife got the whole planet in the divorce. All she left me was my bones." - Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy explaining why he's joining Starfleet. At last, the nickname is explained. I always thought it was derived from "Sawbones."
1. "Live long and prosper." - Spock to the Vulcan Science Council after declining his appointment to the council in response to a derisive comment about his mother being human. The delivery on this line was flawlessly multi-layered, leaving the unspoken follow up of "...and the horse you rode in on," echoing silently in your head.
10. "I am not our father." - Spock Prime to Spock.
9. "Wictor Wictor." - 17 year-old Ensign Chekov's verbal security code no being accepted by the computer.
8. "I may throw up on you." - McCoy to Kirk, then later, Kirk to McCoy.
7. "You're from the future? Do they have sandwiches there?" - Scotty to Spock Prime.
6. "I have no comment on the matter." - Spock to Kirk in response to a question about Uhura.
5. "Is there a problem, Officer?" - 10 year-old Kirk to a motorcycle cop after dumping a vintage 20th century car over a cliff after a high speed chase.
4. "Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero." - Nero to Pike.
3. "You can whistle really loud." - Kirk to Pike after Pike stops a bar brawl between Kirk and four Starfleet cadets by simply whistling.
2. "The ex-wife got the whole planet in the divorce. All she left me was my bones." - Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy explaining why he's joining Starfleet. At last, the nickname is explained. I always thought it was derived from "Sawbones."
1. "Live long and prosper." - Spock to the Vulcan Science Council after declining his appointment to the council in response to a derisive comment about his mother being human. The delivery on this line was flawlessly multi-layered, leaving the unspoken follow up of "...and the horse you rode in on," echoing silently in your head.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Yep, they're super, alright.
The last survivor of a doomed planet in a doomed universe.
Star of many doomed mini-series.
Star of many doomed mini-series.
Kara Zor-L.
Karen Starr.
Power Girl.
Who is she?
Who is she?
First appearing in All-Star Comics #58 (January/February 1976) Power Girl was writer Gerry Conway's answer to the question, "Did the Earth-2 Superman also have a hot cousin?"
If at this point you are asking, "What's an Earth-2?" then, boy, are you in the wrong place. Go here and search it for yourself. Suffice to say, Earth-2 was DC Comics rationalization for creating new characters with the same names as old characters and explaining why Batman didn't age. Turns out there was a completely different, yet parallel universe full of all the same people thirty years earlier.
Power Girl joined the All-Star Squadron, then the Justice Society of America, both on Earth-2, while on Earth-1 (you know, the "real" one where the comic books everyone actually cared about took place) Supergirl was doing her own thing, which at the time consisted of going to college and wearing a headband.
Then in the 80's DC realized that their multiverse was becoming hugely over-populated and crowded, so they came up with "Crisis on Infinite Earths" in which several major characters and minor universes were killed off.
By the end of the twelve issue series, Supergirl was dead and there was only one Earth (thus only one universe). Oddly enough Power Girl was still around.
The original Earth-2 Justice Society had been absorbed and retro-fitted into the new continuity, but no one could really agree on the new backstory for Power Girl. So they used all of them.
Over the last twenty years Power Girl has been Kryptonian, Atlantean, "of unknown origin," and a magical stripper from the Nether Realm.
OK, I just made that last one up, but you see my point. She's been ret-conned so often it's a wonder she can walk.
And now Earth-2 is back, one of 52 alternate universes, and guess what..? They've got their own Power Girl.
And through it all, none of it really matters. No one actually cares about a Power Girl story or where she comes from or what she does or why she's here, as long as she's wearing that costume.
You see, Power Girl has what are know in the comic book industry as huge tits.
And that is the only reason the character has lasted as long as she has. There have been various comic series about Power Girl over the years and they all ultimately failed because they were bogged down by story and plot and character development and all that crap.
Here's the cover of the new Power Girl on-going series released today.
See..?
A hot blond ripping open her shirt, unveiling a large pair of breasts.
That's how you sell comics.
Sure, I may sound cynical and sexist and archaic, but I'm not the one marketing this stuff. DC is and, apparently, they've finally figured it out.
A few weeks ago I was discussing large breasts (it started as a literary conversation, honest) with a friend of mine who is amongst those women gifted with a healthy set of twins protruding attractively from the upper body. We concluded that the more I, as a man, just want to cut loose and motorboat those puppies, the power she, as a woman, wields over me by simply saying, "...No."
In a weird, Bizarro-World kind of way, large breats are ultimately very empowering for women. Thus, with her impressive cleavage, Power Girl is quite appropriately named.
A few weeks ago I was discussing large breasts (it started as a literary conversation, honest) with a friend of mine who is amongst those women gifted with a healthy set of twins protruding attractively from the upper body. We concluded that the more I, as a man, just want to cut loose and motorboat those puppies, the power she, as a woman, wields over me by simply saying, "...No."
In a weird, Bizarro-World kind of way, large breats are ultimately very empowering for women. Thus, with her impressive cleavage, Power Girl is quite appropriately named.
So, to commemorate this triumph for feminism, I'm going to finish this blog post with a plethora of Power Girl images.
You know you love 'em.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Garth Ennis Is Twisted -- Part Three -- A Stabbing Pain To The Groin
Nothing can ruin your day like a knife to the nuts, as shown by this sad thug in Hellblazer #65.
Garth Ennis actually has a whole section reserved just for him at NadShot.com.
I will probably be going there for several examples of Twisted Ennis as time goes on.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I can't see a damned thing with this black lantern
At the end of the whatever-the-hell-the-major-story-arc-was dominating the Green Lantern books in late 2007, DC ran several teaser panels of up-coming events, up to and including "Blackest Night - Summer 2009." With great excitement and anticipation, I thought, "Yay! Martin Lawrence is doing a sequel to his Greatest Movie Ever!!" But alas, it was not to be. "Blackest Night" has nothing to do with the urban(e) comedy stylings of Mssr. Lawrence.
"Blackest Night" is the culmination of several stories revolving around the rise of several other ring-bearing corps of various colours and power sources. It seems that different colours correspond to different feelings or emotions. The Sinestro Corps have yellow rings that are powered by fear. Red Lanterns are fed by rage. A veritable rainbow of lantern corps are forming, running the gamut of sentient emotion. Fear, rage, hope, love, boredom, ennui, sarcasm and, uh, playfulness, I guess. Then lastly, the absence of all feeling and emotion, the Black Lanterns, representing Death.
Since the initial announcement, the hype around Blackest Night has snowballed, steamrolling through the DCU, rolling like a big, steamy snowball, flattening extraneous plotlines and picking up leftover bits from the last five years of "Events."
And we'd expect nothing less from Geoff Johns, the Brian Michael Bendis of DC Comics. Johns did for Hal Jordan what Bendis did for Luke Cage. He's currently doing for Barry Allen what Bendis is doing for Jessica Drew. And "Blackest Night" should do for the DCU what "Secret Invasion" did for Marvel 616 (because, let's face it, "Final Crisis" left readers slightly less than satisfied and feeling like the guy with a steak knife at the vegetarian buffet).
Lately my DC pull list has consisted mainly of Geoff Johns' books and related titles. He has a sense of scope and long-term planning to his writing. Like Bendis, when he signs on to write a comic book, he seems to be in it for the long haul. "I'll write this book until I run out of stories to tell." That's a refreshing change from writers who sign a contract for a twelve issue run on a title and we're all supposed to be thrilled when, around their eighth or ninth issue, they sign on for another six, then they're done.
Don't get me wrong; I love Mark Millar's writing whenever it happens and I enjoyed Joss Whedon's run on Astonishing X-Men. I even liked Kevin Smith's stuff on Daredevil and Green Arrow. I just really love the moment when you're reading a comic and there's a big reveal of some major plot twist and you remember seeing the clues three years earlier. That's just quality story architecture and it impresses me.
Also like Bendis, Geoff Johns seems to able to adapt and absorb other writers' storylines into his longterm plots. Apparently every DCU character who has died in the last few years will be returning as a Black Lantern when "Blackest Night" gets into full swing in July. Earth-2 Superman, J'onn J'onz, that little yappy dog that got crushed under a giant robot's foot in a back up story in an unpublished issue of Blue Beetle's Burlesque Bonanza. There's gonna be a whole bunch of dead folk rising from the grave to kick the little blue asses of the Guardians of the Universe. "Blackest Night" promises to be big.
Even bigger than you might suspect.
Recently Marvel began running some teaser ads in their comics. A white star standing out starkly against a background of black. Across the bottom of the page, the ominous words, "JULY 2009." Upon closer examination, a chainmail pattern was discernible on the black background.
This can only mean one thing.
Black Lantern Captain America.
Awesome.
DC doesn't have enough dead superheroes of their own. They have to borrow some corpses from the competition.
"Blackest Night" is the culmination of several stories revolving around the rise of several other ring-bearing corps of various colours and power sources. It seems that different colours correspond to different feelings or emotions. The Sinestro Corps have yellow rings that are powered by fear. Red Lanterns are fed by rage. A veritable rainbow of lantern corps are forming, running the gamut of sentient emotion. Fear, rage, hope, love, boredom, ennui, sarcasm and, uh, playfulness, I guess. Then lastly, the absence of all feeling and emotion, the Black Lanterns, representing Death.
Since the initial announcement, the hype around Blackest Night has snowballed, steamrolling through the DCU, rolling like a big, steamy snowball, flattening extraneous plotlines and picking up leftover bits from the last five years of "Events."
And we'd expect nothing less from Geoff Johns, the Brian Michael Bendis of DC Comics. Johns did for Hal Jordan what Bendis did for Luke Cage. He's currently doing for Barry Allen what Bendis is doing for Jessica Drew. And "Blackest Night" should do for the DCU what "Secret Invasion" did for Marvel 616 (because, let's face it, "Final Crisis" left readers slightly less than satisfied and feeling like the guy with a steak knife at the vegetarian buffet).
Lately my DC pull list has consisted mainly of Geoff Johns' books and related titles. He has a sense of scope and long-term planning to his writing. Like Bendis, when he signs on to write a comic book, he seems to be in it for the long haul. "I'll write this book until I run out of stories to tell." That's a refreshing change from writers who sign a contract for a twelve issue run on a title and we're all supposed to be thrilled when, around their eighth or ninth issue, they sign on for another six, then they're done.
Don't get me wrong; I love Mark Millar's writing whenever it happens and I enjoyed Joss Whedon's run on Astonishing X-Men. I even liked Kevin Smith's stuff on Daredevil and Green Arrow. I just really love the moment when you're reading a comic and there's a big reveal of some major plot twist and you remember seeing the clues three years earlier. That's just quality story architecture and it impresses me.
Also like Bendis, Geoff Johns seems to able to adapt and absorb other writers' storylines into his longterm plots. Apparently every DCU character who has died in the last few years will be returning as a Black Lantern when "Blackest Night" gets into full swing in July. Earth-2 Superman, J'onn J'onz, that little yappy dog that got crushed under a giant robot's foot in a back up story in an unpublished issue of Blue Beetle's Burlesque Bonanza. There's gonna be a whole bunch of dead folk rising from the grave to kick the little blue asses of the Guardians of the Universe. "Blackest Night" promises to be big.
Even bigger than you might suspect.
Recently Marvel began running some teaser ads in their comics. A white star standing out starkly against a background of black. Across the bottom of the page, the ominous words, "JULY 2009." Upon closer examination, a chainmail pattern was discernible on the black background.
This can only mean one thing.
Black Lantern Captain America.
Awesome.
DC doesn't have enough dead superheroes of their own. They have to borrow some corpses from the competition.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Some Slightly Less Personal Questions About Superheroes
Do other superheroes tease Green Lantern for having a super-power based on jewelry and wishing really hard?
The thing about Green Lantern is that he's not simply another Earth-bound superhero; he's part of an intergalactic police force. There are about 7200 people in the universe answering to the name "Green Lantern," four of them are from Earth.* 7200 people of various shapes, sizes and alien species, each o
ne equipped with a power ring. The Guardians of the Universe (little blue dudes from a planet whose name sounds like you're trying to remember something; "Oh... Ah...") gave a ring to each member of the Green Lantern Corps (yes, they're a corps, because "Green Lantern Gang" sounded so working-class) and them out to protect their assigned sector of the universe.
Apparently all you need to police the universe is the ability to accessorize and make wishes.
The Guardians are obsessed with maintaining,or more accurately, imposing order in the universe. Their goal is to eliminate chaos, thereby making the universe a much more manageable place to live or at least exist. To achieve this goal they have harnessed the power of fashion sense and imagination, two of the most chaotic things ever.
But it was already fairly apparent that the Guardians hadn't really thought this whole thing through, anyway. The took something infinite (the universe) and divided it into a finite number of equal-sized sections (3600 of them, in fact).
I guess nobody told them there'd be math.
*There is a fifth guy on Earth occasionally going by the name Green Lantern, but he's not part of the whole universal police force thing. He has an ancient power ring that doesn't work on wood. Think about that... his magic ring is thousands of years old, from a pre-industrialized civilization when most adventures, quests or assigned tasks would be likely to take place in a forest, and it doesn't work on wood. I'd be taking it back for a refund.
So Thor doesn't actually fly, he just throws his hammer and then hangs on tight? Really?
Really. That's the explanation, going all the way back to Journey Into Mystery #83 in August of 1962. Ponder that for a moment. Even in 1962, the physics of that are dodgy at best.
Many years ago, as a joke, I proposed to some friends the game of Tackle Bowling. There's barbed wire at the end of the lane in front of the pins, you have to wear a helmet and you've got a modified skateboard strapped to your torso. It's just like normal bowling, I explained, except you don't let go of the ball. This whole "throw-the-hammer-but-don't-let-go" t
hing sounds like a similar sort of thing. Thor's adopted brother Loki is the prankster God of Mischief. it's really no mystery where Thor got the idea for his fake-flying power.
But then it just gets silly. Having thrown Molly the Hammer, Thor is "flying" along beside Iron Man, on the way to an Avengers cook out or something. "Lookest thou at me, Iron Man," Thor says, with stars in his eyes and a bit of wind-blown dribble on his chin. "I canst fly! I doth be flying just like thee. Now we canst be bestest friends. Yay!" Wishing he hadn't given up drinking, Iron Man says, "That's nice. Turning left now." So Thor, while in motion through open air, with nothing to anchor against and no pivot point, being dragged along behind a hunk of metal and leather COMPLETELY CHANGES DIRECTION BY AIMING THE HAMMER TO THE LEFT!!!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. That's just messed up. Even with Asgardian physics, that's gotta be about eight different flavors of impossible.
Here's a fun game you can play with children... (Don't play it with your own children; use nephews or neighborhood kids or any kids that, ultimately, you won't have to wheel around if things go wrong.) Get a big plastic hammer and tie a belt to the handle. Better yet, just duct tape the hammer to the kid's hand. Then tell the kid about Thor and how he can fly just like a real superhero when he throws his hammer. Then sit on your back porch, have a beer and watch the eager little thunder god fling himself around the backyard in his futile attempts to fly.
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Oh, it'll be lots of fun.
Do superheroines get to choose their own costumes?
I'm sure dressing like a swimwear model or a well armed hooker might seem like the best way to fight crime and other assorted universal scourges that my arise from time to time, it hardly seems practical to sp
end the night leaping from rooftop to rooftop wearing high heels and very little else.
Not that I'm complaining, of course. I could happily spend the day watching super-powered women run around in their impractically flimsy and petite costumes. In fact, i would actively consider committing crimes on a regular basis if I knew that Wonder Woman would show up to spank me (metaphorically speaking, of course). But that's just it, isn't it? You never know who's going to show up. There's no guarantee that it's going to be Wonder Woman. Or any woman.
Let's say you've just robbed a corner store and a couple of representatives from Justice Revengers Local 212 arrive. You are going to have your ass handed to you. No doubt about it. Would you rather a/ get beaten to a pulp by some testosterone-soaked guy dressed head-to-toe in spandex with anger issues that compensate for his steroid-shrivelled testicles, or b/ get beaten to a pulp by a triple-D cup fantasy girl in thigh-high leather boots, a chainmail thong and screaming-eagle pasties?
Yeah, me too.
Either way, you're going to end up in the prison hospital, but at least if she puts you there, you'll have a mental image to dream about during the three years you spend in a bodycast.
The thing about Green Lantern is that he's not simply another Earth-bound superhero; he's part of an intergalactic police force. There are about 7200 people in the universe answering to the name "Green Lantern," four of them are from Earth.* 7200 people of various shapes, sizes and alien species, each o
ne equipped with a power ring. The Guardians of the Universe (little blue dudes from a planet whose name sounds like you're trying to remember something; "Oh... Ah...") gave a ring to each member of the Green Lantern Corps (yes, they're a corps, because "Green Lantern Gang" sounded so working-class) and them out to protect their assigned sector of the universe.Apparently all you need to police the universe is the ability to accessorize and make wishes.
The Guardians are obsessed with maintaining,or more accurately, imposing order in the universe. Their goal is to eliminate chaos, thereby making the universe a much more manageable place to live or at least exist. To achieve this goal they have harnessed the power of fashion sense and imagination, two of the most chaotic things ever.
But it was already fairly apparent that the Guardians hadn't really thought this whole thing through, anyway. The took something infinite (the universe) and divided it into a finite number of equal-sized sections (3600 of them, in fact).
I guess nobody told them there'd be math.
*There is a fifth guy on Earth occasionally going by the name Green Lantern, but he's not part of the whole universal police force thing. He has an ancient power ring that doesn't work on wood. Think about that... his magic ring is thousands of years old, from a pre-industrialized civilization when most adventures, quests or assigned tasks would be likely to take place in a forest, and it doesn't work on wood. I'd be taking it back for a refund.
So Thor doesn't actually fly, he just throws his hammer and then hangs on tight? Really?
Thor, Marvel Comics' God of Thunder, has a big hammer made of mystical Uru metal, It has a leather strap at the bottom of the handle. Thor even named his hammer, because, well, doesn't everyone name their hammer. He named his hammer Mjolnir and sometimes he talks to it.
Already, you can see why Thor's parents make him wear a helmet all the time.
When Thor has to travel a great distance and he doesn't want to go on the short bus because the other kids will take his lunch, he just winds up and throws his hammer in the air (aiming in the general direction of wherever he wants to go) and then hangs on to the strap. The force of the throw (generated, remember, by Thor) is enough to actually lift Thor himself and fling him through the air to his destination, many miles away.Really. That's the explanation, going all the way back to Journey Into Mystery #83 in August of 1962. Ponder that for a moment. Even in 1962, the physics of that are dodgy at best.
Many years ago, as a joke, I proposed to some friends the game of Tackle Bowling. There's barbed wire at the end of the lane in front of the pins, you have to wear a helmet and you've got a modified skateboard strapped to your torso. It's just like normal bowling, I explained, except you don't let go of the ball. This whole "throw-the-hammer-but-don't-let-go" t
hing sounds like a similar sort of thing. Thor's adopted brother Loki is the prankster God of Mischief. it's really no mystery where Thor got the idea for his fake-flying power.But then it just gets silly. Having thrown Molly the Hammer, Thor is "flying" along beside Iron Man, on the way to an Avengers cook out or something. "Lookest thou at me, Iron Man," Thor says, with stars in his eyes and a bit of wind-blown dribble on his chin. "I canst fly! I doth be flying just like thee. Now we canst be bestest friends. Yay!" Wishing he hadn't given up drinking, Iron Man says, "That's nice. Turning left now." So Thor, while in motion through open air, with nothing to anchor against and no pivot point, being dragged along behind a hunk of metal and leather COMPLETELY CHANGES DIRECTION BY AIMING THE HAMMER TO THE LEFT!!!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. That's just messed up. Even with Asgardian physics, that's gotta be about eight different flavors of impossible.
Here's a fun game you can play with children... (Don't play it with your own children; use nephews or neighborhood kids or any kids that, ultimately, you won't have to wheel around if things go wrong.) Get a big plastic hammer and tie a belt to the handle. Better yet, just duct tape the hammer to the kid's hand. Then tell the kid about Thor and how he can fly just like a real superhero when he throws his hammer. Then sit on your back porch, have a beer and watch the eager little thunder god fling himself around the backyard in his futile attempts to fly.
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Fling! Waahhh! Thump!
Oh, it'll be lots of fun.
Do superheroines get to choose their own costumes?
I'm sure dressing like a swimwear model or a well armed hooker might seem like the best way to fight crime and other assorted universal scourges that my arise from time to time, it hardly seems practical to sp
end the night leaping from rooftop to rooftop wearing high heels and very little else.Not that I'm complaining, of course. I could happily spend the day watching super-powered women run around in their impractically flimsy and petite costumes. In fact, i would actively consider committing crimes on a regular basis if I knew that Wonder Woman would show up to spank me (metaphorically speaking, of course). But that's just it, isn't it? You never know who's going to show up. There's no guarantee that it's going to be Wonder Woman. Or any woman.
Let's say you've just robbed a corner store and a couple of representatives from Justice Revengers Local 212 arrive. You are going to have your ass handed to you. No doubt about it. Would you rather a/ get beaten to a pulp by some testosterone-soaked guy dressed head-to-toe in spandex with anger issues that compensate for his steroid-shrivelled testicles, or b/ get beaten to a pulp by a triple-D cup fantasy girl in thigh-high leather boots, a chainmail thong and screaming-eagle pasties?
Yeah, me too.
Either way, you're going to end up in the prison hospital, but at least if she puts you there, you'll have a mental image to dream about during the three years you spend in a bodycast.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Some Rather Personal Questions About Superheroes
Do costumed superheroes wear adult diapers?
It seems to me that if you're out on patrol all night, keeping the city safe from evil-doers and the like, you may not be able to plan your bathroom breaks with the, oh let's say, regularity that you might hope for.
What if you get sucker-punched by a couple of Two-Face's henchmen and you wake up strapped to a water board, with crazy Harvey Dent standing over you with two days worth of coins to flip, heads for lead pipe and tails for garden hose. Eventually you're gonna have to tell Harvey to pick a number between one and two in order to determine which bodily function to to allow first. It would be good to have an extra layer of protection there to save yourself some embarrassment. The last thing you want is everyone in Arkham Asylum knowing that you guano'd in your batsuit
.You're web-swinging your way around the city when Dr. Octopus sudden punches you in the kidneys with three of his metal arms. Sure in a pragmatic sense, you can be forgiven for having a momentary lapse of bladder control under the circumstances, but it's difficult to remain dignified when bad guys point and laugh.
Perhaps it's just a quiet night with no significant crime for you fight, but your neighbourhood bodega closes at ten o'clock and you've nowhere else to go. It just wouldn't be right for a defender of the defenseless and hero of the downtrodden to take a whizz off the side of a building. It doesn't matter if you're both blind and a lawyer, you're gonna get some bad press out of that.
Do superheroes wear athletic supporters?
They dedicate entire episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos to the groin punch and the crotch crash. At least 72% of the videos on YouTube involve some guy or other getting nailed in the stones. It happens. It's out there. And those are just the accidental hits.
Superheroes fight supervillains, bad guys, evil bastards who wouldn't think twice about winding up and slamming a bus into your berries. Twice. On purpose.
Protect yourself and your future potential generations. You've got to keep your junk functional if you're ever going to have any hope of having children that can be written out of current continuity ten years later during the next retro-fit re-imagining.
Speaking of super-procreation, why hasn't the top of Lois Lane's head been blown off?
Nearly forty years ago, Larry Niven pointed out the drawbacks of Superman and sex in his brilliant essay "Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex" yet the matter has not been addressed at all in the actual comic books. Worse, they've gone and married Clark Kent and Lois Lane, so it must be assumed that there are some kind marital relations taking place off-panel. It's a rather significant issue and it needs to be acknowledged.
Now, I'm not suggesting that they should add the adjectives "hot" and "steamy" to the title of Action Comics, but a storyline recognising the challenges and risks inherent in a physical relation of this nature wouldn't be asking a lot.
What kind of weird foreplay games do Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman play?
Think about it... She can turn invisible (or turn other things invisible) and he can stretch and/or reshape any part of his body with virtually no limit. They could have the most sexually charged game of Hide & Seek ever.
They list their occupations as "Adventurer" and that sort of attitude must apply to the bedroom, as well. According to the John Byrne era of stories in the '80s, the Invisible Woman became pregnant while on a camping trip with the rest of the Fantastic Four in the Negative Zone.
This is the kind of woman who will have sex in a tent in the middle of an extra-dimensional forest and her husband can be his own condom.
Damn right, they get kinky.
What's the status of the Thing's, uh, little thing?
When those nasty cosmic rays turned Ben Grimm into the orange-rock-covered
Thing his nose became small and ridge-like while his ears disappeared completely. One can logically assume that any other, uh, bodily protuberances were similarly affected. (He even lost out on the total number of fingers and toes he's left with.)So the question becomes... Small and ridge-like or disappeared completely?
There have been various alternate-universe stories in which the Thing and his occasional squeeze Alicia Masters have had children, so the general assumption seems to be that, yes, he still has the plumbing and it still works like it should.
But let's take a moment and consider the feelings of poor Alicia (or any other woman "lucky" enough to enjoy a sensual re-phrasing of "It's clobberin' time!!"). Comfort is an important factor in ensuring mutual pleasure during sex. More specifically, a lack of discomfort. There is a significant difference between being "hard as a rock" and actually being made of rock.
Ouch!
It's probably just as
well that Alicia Masters is blind. Ben would be very grim indeed if she were turned off by the sight of his little stalagmite (or stalagmite-not, depending on how much he's had to drink).What about poor Victor Stone, the Cyborg of the (formerly) Teen Titans? What's he got in his shiny metal pants? If Data on Star Trek can be more anatomically correct that an "Archie Bunker's Grandson" doll, then there's really no reason why a superhero named Cyborg can't have a fully functioning piston for those special times when binary programming takes on a whole new meaning.
What would happen if the Hulk farted?
No matter how big and scary and intimidating and just plain pissed off a person may be, if they fart, somebody is going to laugh. It may be just a tiny giggle, a suppressed snort or an outright guffaw. But there's gonna be a laugh. When you laugh at the embarrassment of someone who gets stronger as he gets angrier, well, it's just not going to end well.
If the Hulk farts, don't laugh.
Just don't. It'll be better for everyone.
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Un-Kicked Ass
Not that I really expect to get an answer, but...
Where the hell is the next issue of "Kick-Ass"? The schedule on this series has been worse than Mark Millar's Ultimates. As much as the story hooks the reader and you want to know what happens next, if you have to wait a year for the next issue, you're gonna lose interest.
At this rate, it looks like the movie will be released before issue #6 sees the light of day. If that happens, there'll be no point in reading it anymore, will there?
While we're on the topic, where the hell is the next issue of "The Twelve"? If J. Michael Straczynski doesn't show up with another four issu
es soon, they're going to have to rename the series for the trade paperback edition. Either that or mark it one third off.
es soon, they're going to have to rename the series for the trade paperback edition. Either that or mark it one third off.Finally the third issue of "Ultimate Wolverine Vs. Hulk" has been released, but it took so long that the powers that be felt obligated to re-issue the first two issues, just so people would remember what the story was about.
The cynic in me is screaming that extended schedule delays like that are a twisted Machiavellian plot to get readers to buy the same thing twice.
Garth Ennis is Twisted -- Part One
This is from the first issue of Garth Ennis's first "Just A Pilgrim" limited series, drawn by Carlos Ezquerra. Both series were recently collected in hardcover by Dynamite Entertainment. It's awesome. Go buy it now.
Click on it view a larger image.
Friday, April 3, 2009
"Met a girl called Lola.."
While picking up my weekly stash of new comics, I spotted a new book from Max, the Marvel "we-can-swear-here" imprint, entitled "Destroyer." Leafing through the book I saw an image of the blood-spattered title character shoving a rifle through the chest of an assailant while screaming, "Guns are for pussies!" I decided to buy it, just on a whim.
Written by Robert Kirkman with art by Cory Walker, the whole book has a very "Indie" feel to it, yet it also seems to have a basis in Marvelesque mythos although it is obviously an out-of-current-continuity story.
The title character is an aging crime fighter who apparently has an extensive backstory, which Kirkman may or may not be able to cover thoughout the five issue run of this limited
series. Although while in costume, Destroyer seems to be indestructible and intimidatingly strong, out of costume, he is simply Keene Marlowe, 80-something year old heart patient.
I did some research on the character and was initially confused, but upon digging deeper, I've found the thread of his long and minimal history.
Destroyer aka Keen Marlowe appeared in Mystic Comics #'s 6, 7, 8 & 9, way back in 1941 and 1942.
That was it.
More recently, the character of Destroyer aka Roger Aubrey was retro-fitted to become the "official" Marvel version of the 1940's hero. That character eventually became a founding member of the V-Battalion which eventually became significant players in the early part of the Thunderbolts story, until it all eventually got horrible convoluted, stopped making any sense whatsoever and eventually had to be rebuilt from scratch.
>sigh< (whose office is at the bottom of the ocean for no discernible reason) that his days on this earth are very limited indeed, he decides, "Well enough of this pussyfooting around. Time to crank it up a notch and just slaughter as many high-powered supervillains as I can in the time I have left."
So he starts with his brother.
This, after the scenes at his granddaughter's birthday party clearly demonstrate the importance of his family.
It's not known yet
if Kirkman will use Marlowe's tenuous link to early Marvel lore and make references to other heroes from the 1940, or simply create whole new characters with which to pepper his Destroyer's history. Either way, it has the potential to be a fun ride. I'll be picking up the rest of the series in the hopes that the interest can be maintained.
Odd little side note... The one time that Marlowe's first name is used, it is spelled "Keene." This is the spelling that I first used above. In his few appearances back in the 1940's, his name was spelled "Keen." I can accept a slight variance in the spelling occurring with a character update. Neither spelling is wrong as far as the traditional name is concerned. I've seen it both ways, although it is not a common name. What irks me about this is that in the promo page on the Marvel.com website it is spelled "Keen" contrary to what is actually in the book that page is advertising.
No wonder the story is outside continuity. They can't even get continuity in their spelling.
...but I'll keep reading anyway.
Written by Robert Kirkman with art by Cory Walker, the whole book has a very "Indie" feel to it, yet it also seems to have a basis in Marvelesque mythos although it is obviously an out-of-current-continuity story.
The title character is an aging crime fighter who apparently has an extensive backstory, which Kirkman may or may not be able to cover thoughout the five issue run of this limited
series. Although while in costume, Destroyer seems to be indestructible and intimidatingly strong, out of costume, he is simply Keene Marlowe, 80-something year old heart patient.
I did some research on the character and was initially confused, but upon digging deeper, I've found the thread of his long and minimal history.
Destroyer aka Keen Marlowe appeared in Mystic Comics #'s 6, 7, 8 & 9, way back in 1941 and 1942.
That was it.
More recently, the character of Destroyer aka Roger Aubrey was retro-fitted to become the "official" Marvel version of the 1940's hero. That character eventually became a founding member of the V-Battalion which eventually became significant players in the early part of the Thunderbolts story, until it all eventually got horrible convoluted, stopped making any sense whatsoever and eventually had to be rebuilt from scratch.
>sigh< (whose office is at the bottom of the ocean for no discernible reason) that his days on this earth are very limited indeed, he decides, "Well enough of this pussyfooting around. Time to crank it up a notch and just slaughter as many high-powered supervillains as I can in the time I have left."
So he starts with his brother.
This, after the scenes at his granddaughter's birthday party clearly demonstrate the importance of his family.
It's not known yet
if Kirkman will use Marlowe's tenuous link to early Marvel lore and make references to other heroes from the 1940, or simply create whole new characters with which to pepper his Destroyer's history. Either way, it has the potential to be a fun ride. I'll be picking up the rest of the series in the hopes that the interest can be maintained.
Odd little side note... The one time that Marlowe's first name is used, it is spelled "Keene." This is the spelling that I first used above. In his few appearances back in the 1940's, his name was spelled "Keen." I can accept a slight variance in the spelling occurring with a character update. Neither spelling is wrong as far as the traditional name is concerned. I've seen it both ways, although it is not a common name. What irks me about this is that in the promo page on the Marvel.com website it is spelled "Keen" contrary to what is actually in the book that page is advertising.
No wonder the story is outside continuity. They can't even get continuity in their spelling.
...but I'll keep reading anyway.
What's it all about, Alfie?
I used to have a blog a few years ago. I would use it to recount interesting things that happened to me and regale my dedicated readers with thrilling tales of how wonderful it was to be me.
Then, for a while, nothing interesting happened to me and I stopped blogging.
So, now, I'm trying a different approach. I shall blog about interesting things that happen to other people, mainly fictional people, more often than not hand-drawn fictional people with unusual abilities and imaginative tailors. During the inevitable lulls between interesting things happening to fictional people, I'll blog about the search for interesting things that happen to fictional people.
This blog will be mostly about comic books and related subjects, some old and some new. I've got 35+ years of comic reading from which to draw opinions. Sometimes I may talk about movies instead, or a television show. Without warning I may throw out the occasional quote from WKRP or Ghostbusters or The Princess Bride, who knows... I'll try to keep it random.
So that's the plan. Slowly cultivate an audience of similarly interested people, bend their minds just enough, then when they least expect it, execute Operation: Scrabblepants (more on that later).
So, thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoy reading what I enjoy writing. If so, tell your friends. If not, then keep it to yourself. No one likes a whiner.
"Good night, Wesley. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Then, for a while, nothing interesting happened to me and I stopped blogging.
So, now, I'm trying a different approach. I shall blog about interesting things that happen to other people, mainly fictional people, more often than not hand-drawn fictional people with unusual abilities and imaginative tailors. During the inevitable lulls between interesting things happening to fictional people, I'll blog about the search for interesting things that happen to fictional people.
This blog will be mostly about comic books and related subjects, some old and some new. I've got 35+ years of comic reading from which to draw opinions. Sometimes I may talk about movies instead, or a television show. Without warning I may throw out the occasional quote from WKRP or Ghostbusters or The Princess Bride, who knows... I'll try to keep it random.
So that's the plan. Slowly cultivate an audience of similarly interested people, bend their minds just enough, then when they least expect it, execute Operation: Scrabblepants (more on that later).
So, thanks for stopping by. I hope you enjoy reading what I enjoy writing. If so, tell your friends. If not, then keep it to yourself. No one likes a whiner.
"Good night, Wesley. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
