Do costumed superheroes wear adult diapers?
It seems to me that if you're out on patrol all night, keeping the city safe from evil-doers and the like, you may not be able to plan your bathroom breaks with the, oh let's say, regularity that you might hope for.
What if you get sucker-punched by a couple of Two-Face's henchmen and you wake up strapped to a water board, with crazy Harvey Dent standing over you with two days worth of coins to flip, heads for lead pipe and tails for garden hose. Eventually you're gonna have to tell Harvey to pick a number between one and two in order to determine which bodily function to to allow first. It would be good to have an extra layer of protection there to save yourself some embarrassment. The last thing you want is everyone in Arkham Asylum knowing that you guano'd in your batsuit
.You're web-swinging your way around the city when Dr. Octopus sudden punches you in the kidneys with three of his metal arms. Sure in a pragmatic sense, you can be forgiven for having a momentary lapse of bladder control under the circumstances, but it's difficult to remain dignified when bad guys point and laugh.
Perhaps it's just a quiet night with no significant crime for you fight, but your neighbourhood bodega closes at ten o'clock and you've nowhere else to go. It just wouldn't be right for a defender of the defenseless and hero of the downtrodden to take a whizz off the side of a building. It doesn't matter if you're both blind and a lawyer, you're gonna get some bad press out of that.
Do superheroes wear athletic supporters?
They dedicate entire episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos to the groin punch and the crotch crash. At least 72% of the videos on YouTube involve some guy or other getting nailed in the stones. It happens. It's out there. And those are just the accidental hits.
Superheroes fight supervillains, bad guys, evil bastards who wouldn't think twice about winding up and slamming a bus into your berries. Twice. On purpose.
Protect yourself and your future potential generations. You've got to keep your junk functional if you're ever going to have any hope of having children that can be written out of current continuity ten years later during the next retro-fit re-imagining.
Speaking of super-procreation, why hasn't the top of Lois Lane's head been blown off?
Nearly forty years ago, Larry Niven pointed out the drawbacks of Superman and sex in his brilliant essay "Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex" yet the matter has not been addressed at all in the actual comic books. Worse, they've gone and married Clark Kent and Lois Lane, so it must be assumed that there are some kind marital relations taking place off-panel. It's a rather significant issue and it needs to be acknowledged.
Now, I'm not suggesting that they should add the adjectives "hot" and "steamy" to the title of Action Comics, but a storyline recognising the challenges and risks inherent in a physical relation of this nature wouldn't be asking a lot.
What kind of weird foreplay games do Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman play?
Think about it... She can turn invisible (or turn other things invisible) and he can stretch and/or reshape any part of his body with virtually no limit. They could have the most sexually charged game of Hide & Seek ever.
They list their occupations as "Adventurer" and that sort of attitude must apply to the bedroom, as well. According to the John Byrne era of stories in the '80s, the Invisible Woman became pregnant while on a camping trip with the rest of the Fantastic Four in the Negative Zone.
This is the kind of woman who will have sex in a tent in the middle of an extra-dimensional forest and her husband can be his own condom.
Damn right, they get kinky.
What's the status of the Thing's, uh, little thing?
When those nasty cosmic rays turned Ben Grimm into the orange-rock-covered
Thing his nose became small and ridge-like while his ears disappeared completely. One can logically assume that any other, uh, bodily protuberances were similarly affected. (He even lost out on the total number of fingers and toes he's left with.)So the question becomes... Small and ridge-like or disappeared completely?
There have been various alternate-universe stories in which the Thing and his occasional squeeze Alicia Masters have had children, so the general assumption seems to be that, yes, he still has the plumbing and it still works like it should.
But let's take a moment and consider the feelings of poor Alicia (or any other woman "lucky" enough to enjoy a sensual re-phrasing of "It's clobberin' time!!"). Comfort is an important factor in ensuring mutual pleasure during sex. More specifically, a lack of discomfort. There is a significant difference between being "hard as a rock" and actually being made of rock.
Ouch!
It's probably just as
well that Alicia Masters is blind. Ben would be very grim indeed if she were turned off by the sight of his little stalagmite (or stalagmite-not, depending on how much he's had to drink).What about poor Victor Stone, the Cyborg of the (formerly) Teen Titans? What's he got in his shiny metal pants? If Data on Star Trek can be more anatomically correct that an "Archie Bunker's Grandson" doll, then there's really no reason why a superhero named Cyborg can't have a fully functioning piston for those special times when binary programming takes on a whole new meaning.
What would happen if the Hulk farted?
No matter how big and scary and intimidating and just plain pissed off a person may be, if they fart, somebody is going to laugh. It may be just a tiny giggle, a suppressed snort or an outright guffaw. But there's gonna be a laugh. When you laugh at the embarrassment of someone who gets stronger as he gets angrier, well, it's just not going to end well.
If the Hulk farts, don't laugh.
Just don't. It'll be better for everyone.
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